Friday, August 1, 2008

AMJ'S REVIEW OF THE DARK KNIGHT (spoilers) NOT FOR THE LITTLE ONES (this review, not the movie)



ANDY: Still talks like an asshole.

MIKE: Agreed.

JEFF: Sometimes he does, but mostly he tries to hide his Brucewaynian accent.

ANDY: You mean his dumb Australian accent? I'd rather he talked like Donald Duck, I'd laugh less. You're wrong.

JEFF: You're right. I'm sorry.


ANDY: Still hate the Robocop suit. They said they were going to make it lighter so he could turn his head. I got excited and then they didn't change shit.

MIKE: Suit doesn't bother me. I don't even think about the suit. I guess I've just accepted it. Hell, if I had my way (and I do) he'd wear a gray sweatshirt with a bat sewed on it ala Year One.

JEFF: They changed plenty. I liked the suit, except for the neck and nose area.

ANDY: If the suit is so cool why doesn't he wear it in the comics and have his boo boo black mascara? Terrible design, looks like shit and you're gay if you like it.

JEFF: You're right. Him wearing a sweatshirt with a bat drawn on it with a Sharpie would've been better. I like men.


ANDY: Hate when they film him from the angle where the side of his head is thicker than his neck. And that black eye make-up is just gay. Always was and always will be.

MIKE: There were a few shots were he looks fucking ridiculous.

JEFF: When he was across the table from the Joker, his nose area looked like the guy from BDP (Boogie Down Productions)

ANDY: Racist.

JEFF: You are!


ANDY: Enough with the fucking gun that shoots a rope. Christ!

MIKE: I'm with ya on that one. It's to the point where you don't even give a shit when he falls because you know what's going to happen.

JEFF: Do you give a shit if Spiderman falls? He's Batman, and he's got a gun/rope thingy. It's like saying "Enough with the fucking batwing glider cape!" I don't understand that pet peeve.

ANDY: Have you ever seen a gun rope? Know where I can get one? He shot it at the bad guys, he shot it at the Joker and the fucking bad guys even had one in the opening! Glider cape is cool cuz he's part bat, see? He aint a spider bat.

JEFF: You're right. It's not a comic book movie, it's real life. I'm sorry Andy.

ANDY: Two Face goes to the same speech coach. At one point I wasn't sure who was talking, Batman or 2Face. No lie.

MIKE: Dude's face was burnt, yo. That makes yer voice crispy.

JEFF: I thought he was awesome. Open yer fuckin' ears next time.

ANDY: You love zombies so Two Face could do no wrong. Him and Batman talk stupid. I'm right.

JEFF: You're right. He wasn't mad, he was just talking exactly like Batman...which is to talk stupid.


ANDY: If he is a martial art expert why doesn't he ever kick? He uses the same fighting technique that Robocop would use, and he looks just as stiff.

MIKE: Most of the fight scenes are weak.

JEFF: There was one scene, in Hong Kong, when Batman yanked a dude's arm back, and the dude was supposed to fire a shot at that instant, but he didn't, so Batman held his arm there, waiting for him to fire, and then the dude fired, so, on with the scene! I was glad they didn't film it all choppy MTV style like the first one. And his stunt double is Steven Segal.

ANDY: Admit the fight scenes were weak and move on.

JEFF: You move on!


ANDY: He doesn't lurk enough. At one point he's just standing by the bat signal talking to Gordon and Dent and he's fucking shorter than both of them! Have him perched on a wall or something.

MIKE: Yes.

JEFF: AGREED. At least give him a soapbox to stand on. He looked like Danzig.

ANDY: Finally.

JEFF: Fuck you finally.


ANDY: ENOUGH with the fucking disappear when they turn their heads! Does he think that it's cute? So fucking corny. What, does he just stand there and think, "I'm gonna wait until he turn his head and run away really fast, hee hee." I want them to turn and catch him one time.

MIKE: ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! Getting tired of that, too. They also always have to add, "He does that." Groan. Unfortunately everyone in the theater laughed as I tried to roll my eyes as loud as I could to drown out the laughter.

JEFF: JESUS CHRIST calm down! They never did that in any of the old Batmans, and they always did it in the animated series. This series of movies gets it right, and you guys are complainin'. Jesus. Although I wanted to Gordon to say to Dent "He always does that...And this time I got to see him do it! Yay!" Cuz he was lookin' right at him.

ANDY: Come to think of it, this isn't very bat-like either. You ever seen a bat? They're crazy! They fly by your head then they disappear. You think your safe and then they swoop down all crazy like and almost get in your hair. Then they disappear again. I would like to see more of that when he leaves a scene.

JEFF: He should leave a big steaming pile of shit (guano) before disappearing.


ANDY: So, when the Joker slits your cheek open you die instantly? Pencil in the brain, I'll give you that.

MIKE: Yeah, that was very vague. Actually I think when he slits your cheek open you just disappear. Did they even show him after that?

JEFF: It seemed to me that they cut that scene for the PG-13 rating. I just went along with it.

ANDY: He didn't disappear, he fell to the ground dead as a doornail. Atta boy, just go with it.

JEFF: Don't call me boy, you racist.


ANDY: That chic was BUTT FUCKIN UGLY! For those two hunks to fall so hard for her was beyond me.

MIKE: Yer just jealous. You wish you were that ugly to attract such hot man meat.

JEFF: Yes. Heath had to really use some acting tricks to call her beautiful twice in 10 seconds.

ANDY: You two may not be gay after all.

JEFF: But I just admitted that I was... (NOTE: I'm not.)


ANDY: He jumps off a building and crashes into a car saving the ugly broad. Joker is still upstairs terrorizing people and he just goes home?

MIKE: Yes.

JEFF: RACHEL "Where's Harvey?"
BATMAN "He's safe."
RACHEL "What about all those rich people up there?"
BATMAN "Um..."

ANDY: Now that's funny.

JEFF: You got that right.


ANDY: When that kid was on TV to reveal Batman's identity does he? That was a big moment and they didn't show him get cut off before he got to say.

MIKE: Yeah this was the biggest pile of bullshit I had to climb in this movie. It was never clear if he already said it or if he was going to and was interrupted or what. I still don't really know. I'm assuming he didn't but they didn't make that too clear. I thought that whole character/plotline could have been dropped.

JEFF: JESUS FUCK YOU GUYS! Open yer fuckin ears. They were waiting til the end of the show (like every newscast does with their hot item) People were calling in and telling him to do it or not to do it. That was an awesome plotline because the Joker called for his execution or he'd blow up a hospital. Fuck, you pricks is makin' me mad!

ANDY: Mike and I are right. Micheal Bey movie making right there. Important plot point that was neglected for action scene.

JEFF: First of all, it's Michael Bay, and b) it was only neglected in yours and Mike's puny brains.


ANDY: Before he drove away he said he was going to save Rachel leaving Gordon to go for Dent. Then he shows up at Dent's. Did Joker switch addresses? Should've been explained.

MIKE: I thought it was obvious Joker fucked him in his ugly girl loving ass and I was glad they didn't explain it with a non Batman moving mouth saying the dubbed line, "He switched the addresses! Oh youuuuuuu!!!

JEFF: Yes, that was obvious Andy. You were probably looking at Batman's neck.

ANDY: This is the only one I'll give you.

JEFF: Although, originally, you thought that it "Should've been explained." Ho ho ho, how far you have fallen Mr. Thom. Tsk!


ANDY: Not the movies fault but I wasn't shocked by the Joker's actions. Seen it in the comics (and done better) all before. Killing Joke he kidnaps Gordons daughter and rapes her. Takes pictures. Dark Night comic he's crazy. The movie version was cool and all. I guess I'm jaded.
Too fucking long. Could have been 45 minutes shorter.


MIKE: I would normally agree as I usually think 90 minutes is too long of a movie for my short attention span. But I had no problem with the length of this.

JEFF: I loved it. This movie-Joker was the best, and it was still ok for kids to see. Rape isn't. Although, coming from a man who let his little ones watch Sasquatch bite a guy's face off... Did he rape the face hole afterwards?

ANDY: Superhero movies have ALWAYS ignored the fine art of rape and this was their big chance.

WILLIAM SHATNER: You sicken me.





Good things:

ANDY: Joker's performance.
MIKE: I thought it was very good but not mindblowing like some would say.
JEFF: Mindblowing!
ANDY: He was good and even cooler cuz he's a real dead guy.

ANDY: Alfred and Lucious.
MIKE: Sure
JEFF: Sure.
ANDY: Alfred's mercenary past and Lucious warning that kid not to F with Bman was great.

ANDY: Batman's white eyes.
MIKE: I don't unnerstand whatcher sayin'.
JEFF: The cell phone tv screen eyes at the end. No. It was Daredevil, not Batman.
ANDY: Pick up a fuckin comic dummies. His eyes is white.

ANDY: Stealing that guy from China.
MIKE: Yes.
JEFF: From Hong Kong? Yes. Oh wait, what year is it? 1997? China, yes.

ANDY: Tipping over the tractor trailer.
MIKE: Yes.
JEFF: Yes.

JEFF: The Bat-Pod launching out of the wrecked Tumbler.
ANDY: OK I guess.
JEFF: Batman saving the Joker.
ANDY: Loved that part. Loved how Joker was laughing as he fell.
JEFF: The Joker in a nurses outfit.
ANDY: Yup.
JEFF: The false start of the exploding hospital.
ANDY: Yup.
JEFF: The pencil magic trick.
ANDY: Yup.
JEFF: Harvey's reaction when the mob guy pulls the trigger.
ANDY: eh.
JEFF: Two-Face's reaction when he realizes the beautiful nurse is really the Joker.
ANDY: eh?
JEFF: Joker's standing there, in a nurse's outfit and a wig, 2face stares at him, no mistaking that it's the Joker wearing a wig...Joker takes off the wig, 2face freaks out. "YOU!"
JEFF: Scarecrow's cameo.
ANDY: EH?
JEFF: You got a hearing problem?


JEFF'S BAD THINGS:

Scarecrow's van stopping suddenly because Batman landed on it.

The cop guarding the Joker INSIDE the interragation room. That scene coulda been played with the Joker talking to whoever's behind the mirror. Guessing that he's talking
to a cop who's buddies he killed. They coulda filmed it with him looking at his reflection, not knowing if anyone's listening, then the door opens, and the cop comes in
rolling up his sleeves.

Alfred letting Rachel go, even though she was staying there as protection from the Joker.

Eric Roberts and that Scarface Pacino wannabe.

Batman fighting SWAT instead of yelling "THE CLOWNS ARE HOSTAGES!" Or telling Lucious to call Gordon and tell him to tell his men.

"Blame me" Why not blame the Joker?

ANDY: After all this, Burton's shit doesn't smell so bad.
JEFF: I dare you to go back and watch any o' dem piles of shits.



ANDY: That's about it. Believe it or not I liked the fucking movie. Not better than Iron Man but I liked it.
MIKE: I don't believe it.
JEFF: Much better than Iron Man.
ANDY: You're wrong, I'm right. Thank you.
JEFF: You're welcome.

Love,
Jeff

8 comments:

Michael Borkowski said...

I did not authorize my approval for my comments to be dispersed on the internets.


But I don't care.

Tim Eldred said...

Best superhero movie of 2008: Iron Man

Distant second: Dark Knight

Not even third: Hulk

We deserved better. Watchmen is too far away...

tim Eldred said...

Oh, and Hellboy II...

Enjoyed it more than DK, but still less than IM.

Two basic problems:

1. Generally it's a good idea to put your best stuff at the END of a movie, not the middle

2. Someone should have told Del Toro that EVERYONE saw Lord of the Rings, not just him

You were dying to hear that from me, I know...

Jeff Allen said...

Tim, why did you like Iron Man so much? I enjoyed it more the second time, but the climax still blew brains.
And TDK a distant second? What gripes 'bout that awesome movie could you possibly have?
And HB2... hmmm... it don´t make sparks.

Tim Eldred said...

My basic complaint against every superhero movie this summer EXCEPT Iron Man is that they were all over-produced. Too much story, too much FX work, too much attention paid to stuff that didn't make the movie better.

I felt that way about B.M. BEGINS, too. (I get to write B.M. a lot in the boards I'm drawing for Brave & Bold and it always makes me smile) It just ended up being way overblown. Burton's first B.M. had its problems, but the story was just the right fit for the time allotted.

All the best superhero movies were just right for their format: Superman 1, Spider-Man 1, Hellboy 1, even Hulk 1. Each one had a place to go and went there in a straight line. I include Iron Man in that.

The others had way too many obstacles and distractions thrown into the path that stopped the story from moving forward.

They all had their moments, I'll give 'em that, but they didn't follow Tim's movie law: Simpler = better.

Tim Eldred said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jeff Allen said...

Take that.

Anonymous said...

Andy's critique is right on the money. That kid really knows how the bread is buttered baby. He cuts right through the jibby and gets right at the sauce of the clam.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...